Where are you?
In a non slutty way
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
