SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
