were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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