my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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