"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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