i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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