I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
