i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
