billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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