I feel like I'm in dance class right now
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
