well I can't set my house on fire every night
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
