Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
