I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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