I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
