Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
