I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
