absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
