It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
