You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
