TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
