I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
