Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
