Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
