Umm I'm too high to move.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
