Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
