I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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