Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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