My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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