First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
