i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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