I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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