I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
