We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
