eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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