I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
