hotel room ftw
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
