I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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