just survived the first fart of the relationship.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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