You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
