Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
