I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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