He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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