dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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