I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Semen is not good for contacts.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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