Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
