Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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