And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
