Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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