if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
