I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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