Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
